These last few weeks have been very trying for me and my family, dealing with my son’s addiction and daily life. I know that I have gotten through it because of God’s grace and mercy. I will not sit here and lie to you. There were days, and I’m sure more to come, where I was mad and didn’t want to talk to Him. He was there though. He would give me a nudge, showing me that He was there. Saturday was by far the worst day I think. I did not leave my house. I did housework and ignored Him, but He’d send others to push and pull me along. I felt bad afterward, of course, and I finally said, “Ok God, I hear you, but right now I don’t want to talk to you because I’m in my feelings and don’t want to say anything I will regret.” You know, because we tell our kids, best to keep quiet if you’re not going to say anything nice. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t mad AT Him, I was just mad in general. I know what my son is going through is not by His doing. However, I do know, He allows these struggles because my son has a calling on His life. The greater the calling, the more difficult the struggle? Yea, something like that. Anyway, I was saying and thinking, “Why God? Just please keep him safe and don’t leave him.” I know my son is hurting and probably needs his momma’s hugs but I feel it in my spirit that this is not the time. God, well, God is trying to teach a lesson. The problem is, I don’t think my son is paying attention. As much as I share the Word with him, I don’t think he gets it. He wants the easy way out, he wants for momma to fix it, but I can’t fix this. And it hurts like hell to not be able to help him. He has to want to help himself. I can now see what we put God through when we turn our backs on him and live in the ways of the world. It tears Him apart, as I am torn for my son. I know He is torn for him too. But we have to reach out to Him. He’s there and always will be, but He will not force Himself on us. No, He will never do that. He waits patiently for us to turn to Him. I am waiting for my son to say, “I’m done Ma, I’m tired.” I won’t say I’m waiting patiently, because I’m not patient. I want my son to be healed now but I know it’s in His timing, not mine. So I hold on to His promises. I hold on because He doesn’t lie. He showed me once, not so long ago, the chains being broken for my son. He wouldn’t have shown me that if it weren’t true.
So, as Paul says in Philippians 4:13-14, Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Some days are harder than others, but I will fight the good fight and keep praying to Him to heal my son. I know it is coming. I just have to hold on and keep the faith and press on toward the goal for myself, and for my son…and of course my other 2 children.
If you’re going through some type of struggle tonight, I know what you’re feeling. Don’t give up, don’t throw in the towel. All of our struggle will make sense to us in the end. We may even look back and laugh at all this pain. Because painful it is, but I know I can count on my Father, to be faithful and loving. Keep the faith!
God Bless you!